Weekendly Spasms. (???)

So I have had just about enough heartache as I can take. I have been trying to keep busy and occupy my mind and body since Friday and it has officially just become totally and unexplainably UNBEARABLE.

I cant explain all the things going through my mind right now. I thought it would get better on Friday after a few cocktails and traffic jams due to cricket at Wanderers.
 I was STUCK in stop start traffic, in what usually takes me 7 minutes to get to MAX, about 45 minutes. Fun thing is about my mind is that I believe I am invincible to all things traffic related and always made out as if it never bugged me, which it possibly never did then, but hell, it fucks me off royally these days, I think my tolerance of self suffering is coming to a slow but steady holt. I don't know how to feel or not feel, or react or keep quiet or what???

I have always been for self sacrifice, and do for others before myself, but as much as I love to loathe that about myself, I think this just might be the time to give up the game face and do me for once.
after all, I'm the only person who defines who I AM….. I am the only one who can put me in a box and label it one thing or another, ONLY me. Others can try, and attempt at making me seem truly awesome, or stamp me as a total failure or dork, but it is entirely up to me if I decide to accept or turn away these claims and tags attached to who they think I should be at the end of the day.
We judge only in others what we despise about ourselves, a more truthful and fitting phrase I have yet to find. So this is where the healing from the INSIDE starts, or should start I guess.

This weekend was a dud in the sense that I was actually a little bit excited about it until I wasn't anymore. (???)
oh and on a side note….. this HAY-FUCKING-FEVER is enough to drive me mentally unstable, if i am not there already that is.. GREAT! I have started speaking like "by dose is pumbanently blocked."

From being a complete wet blouse on friday after my dad deserted me to enjoy his travels in Thailand (yes I know he didn't leave me on purpose to be spiteful, just feels that way… timing, you know… mine always just seems to be off.) You know those people who always seem to be at the right place at the right time? Well I am most definitely NOT one of those. EVER. - Universe, Please look into that for me, and make a kind and thoughtful adjustment, NOW. Thank you and good day.

Anyway like I was saying, from being a complete wet blouse on friday morning, to actually being a little excited as the day progressed, I got a call from Oman to come join her for after work, 2 for 1 cocktails at Milounge in Illovo. Bearing in mind I had dinner with a friend at 7.30 (but I was allowed to go at 6 30 so I could park in the garage BONUS, oh AND spend an hour, 1 WHOLE 60 minute period LESS, by myself) I climbed into my car at just before 5. 20, as Oman was to leave her office at just after 5 and I didn't want to arrive before her (OBVIOUSLY). I figured I would make it there by 5. 35 LATEST, have time for a drink, keep busy, meet new people AND yes, AND make it to my friends house giddy and in time for garage-parking-pre-dinner-prep-myself-glass-of-wine-to-prepare-for-inevetable-break-up-questioning. Phew, mouth full but hopefully you get where my brain is going with this. GOOD GRACIOUS me I could not be have been more WRONG. Not knowing (or caring) a thing about sport, I was clearly not in the know or receive a memo about the cricked game at Wanderers, that was to put me off this awesome happy start to the weekend COMPLETELY. After being re-routed about a GAZZILION times I EVENTUALLY arrived at the center to then fight with and negotiate myself into the smallest little awkwardly positioned parking space…. WITH and audience, those parking extravaganzas are the most fun. NOT! Luckily a lovely, kind, happy smiley, super cool, pretty young lady (She was actually quite ugly and grumpy looking, but I had to be overly nice in the way I described her because she saved me from super embarrassment and kept my sanity intact) on the other side of the parking lot was just leaving, so I quickly zipped into that parking space instead and shrieked with a sigh of relief and at the excitement of OMAN + COCKTAILS.

Left there in time to stop over to get a snack and bottle of vino collapso at the ever faithful WOOLIES. (I wish I could date you Woolies, FOREALIES!)

I arrived at my friend,  K's, in time to a parking spot, kept just for me in her garage and enough time to gulp down a glass of liquid courage. Thank goodness and amen.

Dinner was had, explaining was done. Heart got sore, again and for the umpteenth time. I wish it would STOP!
Wine, chit chat, wine, chocolate mouse, wine (rather sour now after the chocolaty goodness in the form of foam in a bowl) more wine was had and evening was concluded with good byes. Bed was enjoyed by all that evening I am sure!

Woke up, still drunk I am convinced, at about 7, hopped into my car and headed home.

The next part is completely beyond me. I got home, fed the animals, got into the shower, got spectacularly dressed did my hair and felt good and then did NOTHING the whole day in the best outfit I have put together in a while (shocker). Maybe I was secretly hoping for something to happen, so I would be prepared if I had to dash out at a last minute request or a meteorite just happened to land in my garden, and a dozen odd press vehicles lined up in my driveway with HOT reporters fighting to talk to me all at once (WHAT?? a girl can dream ok!!). BWHAHAHAHAHA. Idiot. I could just as well have stayed in my PJ'S all day. Something unbeknown to myself I would probably like to attempt once in my life (after initial break up stay in PJ's for 3 days trauma). I still don't see the point, but nor do I see the point of this getting dressed for no apparent reason this particular Saturday in question.

Well I did end up doing something… Driving nearly halfway to durban… (see told you I like to over dramatize)
ok, ok, it wasn't Harrismith but it was close enough and it also started with a 'H' - HEIDELBERG! Yikes! Luckily I was there and back in time to catch the sun. I HATE driving at night, well, I would love too DRIVE Joburg RED at night, never mind paint it, but I can see EFF ALL when I drive in the dark. POOH!

So K and I had ALL the best intentions on this side of the equator to go jolling on Saturday night but ended up pulling out coz it was just MIZZY central in and around my mind and K was knackered, and I couldn't possibly picture myself putting game face on and making small talk with randoms. Aaaaaah, I couldn't think of anything worse. Seriously. So bad. I was so incredibly annoyed at, fuck I cant even tell you what I was annoyed at. The situation I put myself in I guess, the negative mind space I was continually drifting in and out of all day. Be gone NEGATIVITY and Heartache. PLEASE.

Today was no easier either. At least I didn't get all dressed up, just threw on a little sundress after my shower and moseyed around in the sun for a bit. I even potted around in the garden and planted myself a colorful little hanging basket for my balcony (the last one didn't last a month because I forgot or was never home to water it , always out on the jol or sleeping at the ex. lets just say the plant on my balcony wasn't my number 1 priority (My ex was. silly me for thinking it was mutual)) Sigh. HMPH.

I spent some QT with my hammock in the sun with the brush of newly sprouted grass under my toes as I swung to and fro with my feet hanging off the edge. Was nice. For a while, but then lost all appeal and my mind wanted more. 'KEEP BUSY' it subliminally sends me every hour on the hour. The 'hammock-hanging' was obviously not  keeping 'BUSY' enough so I packed it up there and headed to my MAC to document and free up some pent up emotional 'stuff'

So there you have it. And there I have it too.

Sionara Sunday. Till next week Brother!